There are an alarming amount of people in this country who don’t seem to know very much about the human body. More specifically, there are too many people who don’t know shit about human reproduction. Unfortunately they all seem to be serving in the U.S. House of Representatives or leading a really big church.

This post is not about the dieting industry, fat-shaming in the media, or nutrition generally. However, I think it is relevant to what I do here at F**K Dieting! because it illustrates a very important problem in our nation. The quality of our lives are greatly affected by what we don’t know about our own bodies and about the world around us. Example: Everyone knows you are supposed to eat vegetables, but why? If you asked the average person they would say because they have less calories than whatever food they really want to eat. They would be wrong. The real reason that we should eat vegetables is because they contain fiber, vitamins, minerals and antioxidents that are essential to our survival. If Jay Leno asked a random person on the street, would they know that? Probably not. Most people Leno encounters on the street do not even know who Thomas Jefferson was. Another example, more relevant to this post : When I was in law school there was a big controversy in Washington over the availability of emergency contraception (the morning after pill). Reproductive healthcare advocates were obviously in favor and religious forces were opposed. When I was discussing the issue with classmates at lunch, I was explaining how the morning after pill works; that it is a higher dose of the hormonal birth control pills that are already available by prescription. It prevents ovulation and/or implantation of a fertilized egg. One of my fellow classmates just stared blankly at me. She looked confused. The conversation went something like this:

ME: When your ovary releases an egg into your fallopian tube, the hormones either stop the egg from being released or if it is released it thickens the mucus in your cervix to prevent sperm from getting through, or if an egg does get fertilized, it prevents pregnancy by not allowing that egg to implant on the wall of yoru uterus.

FEMALE LAW STUDENT: What’s a fallopian tube?

ME (After prying my jaw from the floor): The tubes that carry the egg to the uterus.

FEMALE LAW STUDENT: I have two of them?

Let me tell you something even more disturbing: This woman graduated in the top of our class, clerked for a federal judge and is currently practicing law at a large big city firm.

There are many educated people in this country with highly sophisticated and important jobs that do not know how the human body fuctions. They don’t understand Darwin’s theory of evolution, nor do they care to because their pastor has already told them that it is sinful. They don’t understand why conventional farming is bad. They don’t understand the impact of overpopulation or the destruction of animal habitats. They simply don’t understand the natural world and how homosapiens fit into it. yet these people are practicing law, serving in Congress, and raising a generation of equally uninformed children. I think it is time that we all understood these things.

So we are going back to school. In the coming weeks I will have a series of posts here at F**k Dieting! called Science Class. I will cover a variety of areas including, but not limited to: anatomy, reproduction, digestion and elimination, the human brain, the endocrine system, conventional farming, and evolution. I am still trying to figure out how I will break all the information down in a way that makes sense. Stay tuned.

A 2006 study published in the American Journal of Epidemiology showed that Americans sleep less than they think they do. The study followed the sleep patterns of 669 middle-aged adults. White women, the study reports, get the most sleep: 6.7 hours a night. White men follow with 6.1 hours, then black women with 5.9 and black men with 5.1. The study also found that the poor sleep less than the wealthy (yeah, I’m shocked—”You mean to say that the poor can’t afford melatonin sleep patches?”). The interesting thing was that the participants spent an average of 7.5 hour a night in bed, but spent only 6.1 hours asleep. So it seems that we as a nation are sleeping 90 minutes less than we want to. Sleep deprivation is associated with a reduced ability to concentrate, learning difficulties, decreased attention span and a higher risk of car accidents. It is also linked to obesity, diabetes and hypertension.

Americans, as individuals, are aware of this. We know that we do not get enough sleep and we would like to get more. So why don’t we? In my opinion, Americans don’t sleep enough because of our cultural attitudes towards sleep and our stubborn refusal to do very simple things that would easily allow us to sleep more and sleep better.

I get 8 hours of sleep a night. I go to bed at 10:00pm every night and wake up at 6:00am every morning. However, I have been trying to work up to 9 hours of sleep since I read an article about the sleep patterns of French women. For a while I was sleeping for 9 hours every night and I felt fantastic! To achieve this, I would have to go to bed at 9:00pm every night. Do you know what happens when you’re 34 and you tell your friends that you go to bed before 11:00pm? They look at you like you are crazy…or a child, likely because many people have not gone to bed at a reasonable hour since they were children. They may proudly say “Well, I can survive on 6 hours of sleep!” You can survive? Yeah, I could survive on bread and water for the next month, but by mid-April, I would be so fucking sick…and really pissed off. Why are people so proud of just surviving or getting by with whatever meager collection of crap they can scrape together in life? But that is the way we view sleep in this country. We get the minimum amount we need so that we can stay awake at work. When I look at my co-workers, I can tell who is getting enough sleep and who isn’t. The people with foggy brains, who start yawning before lunch, have big dark circles under their eyes, are frequently sick…the ususal suspects. When I suggest that they would feel better if they got more sleep, they proceed to make all kinds of excuses why they can’t. They have kids, their spouse or partner doesn’t like to go to bed early, they like to watch TV at night…blah, blah, blah…Fine. Just don’t complain to me when you are exhausted and generally feel like shit.

Getting more sleep is actually quite easy. Here are some suggestions:

Step 1: Go to bed!

When you start to get tired, put your jammies on and get in bed. If you can’t fall asleep right away read a book until you get tired. (Yeah, books, remember those?)

Step 2: Turn off the TV

If you have a television in your room, take it out now. Also remove your laptop or iPad (this one is tough for me) from your nightstand table. These things overstimulate your brain and make it difficult for you to relax. Maybe set up a sleep mix on your iPod and put it in a cradle. About 15 minutes of relaxing  music. I have a meditation playlist that I listen to before bed. It’s about 20 minutes long.

Step 3: Try Melatonin

Melatonin is a hormone that controls your sleep cycles. Your brain produces it in the evening and it causes drowsiness. Some people, for whatever reason, do not produce the melatonin they need in order to sleep well. You can purchase it at any drug store. It is not addictive and you will not wake up hungover, which sometimes happens with other sleep aids. I find that if I take care of myself generally, after I have taken melatonin nightly for a few weeks, I don’t need it anymore. My body begins to produce enough on its own.

Step 4: Exercise 

Just don’t do it too close to bedtime. For some this can make it more difficult to fall asleep. I know this seems counter intuitive, but if you increase your heart rate and sweat for a bit everyday, it is easier for your body to lower it at night when you sleep.

Also see these tips for a restful sleep.

I think we also need to work on changing our attitudes towards sleep. We need to stop associating people who sleep a lot—which is actually closer to the recommended amount—with laziness. Your body goes through a lot each day. It walks you to the bus stop, digests your food, does your job, takes care of your children, walks the dog…it needs sleep to heal and recharge. Give your body what it needs. It will thank you.

#1: Blood Pressure

This is an important number. So what is blood pressure anyway? It is a vital sign that measures the pressure exerted by circulating blood upon the walls of your blood vessels. If your blood pressure is too high it means that your heart has to work harder to circulate blood through your blood vessels, which can cause damage to your cardio vascular system, liver and kidneys over time. Normal blood pressure is considered to be around 120/80. The top number being the systolic measurement (when the heart muscle is contracting), the bottom number the diastolic measurement (when the heart is relaxed). You are considered to have high blood pressure (hypertension) if you consistently measure at or above 140/90. We are told constantly that if we lose weight, our blood pressure will most certainly go down. I think in some cases this may be true, but generally, it’s kind of bullshit. Why? Because my weight has fluctuated between being 100 pounds overweight to being 30 pounds overweight throughout my entire adult life and yet my blood pressure has remained within normal ranges. Genetics may have a bit to do with this, but I am convinced that it has remained so because despite being fat my entire life, I have always been active, I rarely drink alcohol, and have always eaten a lot of fruits and vegetables. I also avoid stress like the plague that it is and get plenty of sleep. Alcohol puts a lot of stress on your liver and kidneys, which can raise your pressure. Exercising your heart keeps it in shape and expands your blood vessels. So your heart doesn’t have to work so hard to pump your blood and there is more space for that blood to flow through your veins. Fruits and vegetables provide your body with powerful antioxidants which have dozens of benefits. These things have nothing to do with weight but they keep your blood pressure low. So the prescription to avoid hypertension: lots of fruits and veggies, a brisk walk a few times a week, a good night’s sleep,  low stress and limit the booze. Moving on…

#2 Blood Sugar

This is the amount of sugar (glucose) that is in your blood. To put it another way, it measures how good your body is at processing the sugar in your blood and converting it to energy. Your glucose should measure between 65-99 on your blood panel results. It is measured first thing in the morning, before you have eaten anything–the test is referred to as the fasting glucose test. If your blood sugar is too high (hyperglycemia) it means that there is an excess amount of glucose in your blood. If it is too low (hypoglycemia) there is too little glucose in your blood. Hyperglycemia can be caused by a sugar intake that is too high or your body’s inability to metabolize the sugar at an appropriate rate. Hypoglycemia is usually caused by too much insulin in your blood stream which metabolizes the sugar too quickly or simply not eating enough. Irregular blood sugar can lead to diabetes and a number of other health problems. The most common problem is what is referred to as insulin resistance. Insulin is the hormone released by the pancreas which controls how your body metabolizes sugar and fat. In short, insulin removes excess glucose from the blood. However, if your blood sugar remains constantly high and your body releases a lot of insulin all the time in order to bring it down, eventually the insulin can become less effective. The Obesity Bullshit Machine refers to this as “Metabolic Syndrome” and says that it will eventually kill you…if you don’t lose 50 pounds right now! I don’t necessarily believe that. It will, however, make you tired and generally miserable. It can also put you at risk for diabetes. Experiencing large blood sugar spikes, followed by insulin spikes, throughout the day is what causes that mid-afternoon energy slump most of us experience. Your brain gets foggy and you just feel like shit. When you get home all you feel like doing is collapsing in front of the TV. You will have no energy to walk your dog, lift weights or fuck your spouse. The solution? If you limit your intake of grains and other starches–particularly in the midday meal–your energy will return almost immediately. Stick to low glycemic, unprocessed natural (“paleo”) foods in order to keep your blood sugar stable throughout the day. I am not at all suggesting that you eat less than 50 grams of carbs per day as some diets recommend. I am not suggesting going “low carb”. That’s crazy and will also make you feel like shit. Just switch from grain carbohydrates to fruits and veggies (any kind you want) so you can avoid those blood sugar spikes and maintain normal glucose levels.

#3 Cholesterol

There is a man named Mark Sisson who explains cholesterol better than I ever could. I recommend you read his very well-researched and detailed explanation here. What I will tell you is that what you have been told raises your cholesterol and causes heart attacks does neither of those things. Fat is not the cause of heart disease. Fat is actually good for you. It builds healthy cells in the body and keeps your brain sharp. Again, ditch all those “low fat” dairy and grain products and eat some bacon or a big salad with some sliced steak on top. As long as your total cholesterol is under 200, you’re fine. Your triglycerides should be under 149, HDL (good cholesterol) should be greater than 39, and LDL (evil cholesterol) should be under 100.

#4 Activity Level

This is a big one. Practically every definitive study done on health and longevity shows that activity level is the greatest predictor of long term health. For more details on these studies, I recommend reading Paul Campos’ book The Obesity Myth. Walking is the easiest and most beneficial exercise bar none. If you take a brisk walk 3 days a week for an hour you should be good. If you prefer aerobics, kickboxing, swimming or Zumba, then do that. It has to be something that makes you sweat and breathe a little hard. I would also recommend resistance training. It will keep your bones strong and make your everyday activities (cleaning, carrying groceries, painting the guest room) much easier. Activity will give you more energy and help you sleep better. You know what resistance exercise is easy, quick and costs nothing? Push-ups. They work your entire upper body and your core. Do as many as you can with perfect form. For your lower body, squats and lunges are pretty easy and effective.

Resources:

I find that I feel better when I embrace a more paleolithic, or “primal” style of eating. For reasonable, judgment-free information on this go to: http://www.primaltoad.com/

Even though most companies that produce exercise DVDs focus on weight loss, there are a lot of really great exercise DVDs out there that are fun and appropriate for all fitness levels. Do a good Google search or peruse the DVD aisle at Target. IGNORE THE WEIGHT LOSS ASPECT AND JUST DO THE WORKOUTS. WHETHER YOU LOSE WEIGHT OR NOT, YOU WILL ENJOY GREAT HEALTH BENEFITS FROM INCREASED ACTIVITY. Don’t feel bad if you don’t finish the entire workout, and rest when you need to.

Naturally, you will want to consult your physician before putting any of the above suggestions into practice. See the disclaimer page.

Physicians use BMI (body mass index)—a ratio of your weight to your height—as a tool to diagnose obesity. But critics say BMI ignores muscle mass, and a 2011 Obesity study notes that it also ignores a person’s hip circumference. “People come in different sizes and shapes,” says Joanne Ikeda, nutritionist emeritus at the University of California, Berkeley. “The idea that everyone should fall under 25 is ludicrous.” A person can have a high BMI and still be healthy, Ikeda argues. Research supports the theory: A Journal of the American Medical Association study found that fit women—even if they were overweight according to their BMI—were less likely to suffer a heart attack than those who were out of shape. Ikeda advises her patients to stop obsessing over their BMI, eat a nutritious diet, and log 150 minutes of exercise per week. “A healthy lifestyle results in a healthy weight.”

I confess I didn’t buy the issue. I don’t buy “women’s magazines” anymore because they are usually filled with dieting clap trap and glossy, airbrushed photos of celebrities. All they succeed in doing is making me feel like shit. You would be amazed how wonderful you feel about yourself when you stop reading fashion and beauty magazines. I highly recommend it.

I don’t know about you, but I think that this type of article in this particular magazine is a good sign. Perhaps this is the beginning of a long-overdue laissez-faire approach to health. People are getting sick of riding the dieting rollercoaster. Hopefully word gets out to more people that it is okay to stop the ride and get off. I guess time will tell.

Bill Maher once joked that the United States is “a wholly-owned subsidiary of the pharmaceutical industry.” Word.

Has anyone noticed how many commercials for prescription drugs are now being broadcast on TV? Unless I watch nothing but HBO (which I highly recommend in order to avoid commercials of all kinds), during the evening news or a primetime sitcom I usually see at least two or three commercials for presciption drugs. Usually thirty-second spots. Based on my personal experience of TV viewing, out of a total of about six minutes of commercials, 15 or 20% of the ad time during a typical evening broadcast is devoted to prescription drug advertisements. Some are for diseases that I didn’t even know existed…that is, until I saw the commercial for the drug that “cures” the disease. The usual suspects are ads for erectile dysfunction drugs and antidepressants.

In 2004 the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) reported that almost half of all Americans take at least one prescription drug and that one in six take three or more. Here is some more information direct from the Centers for Disease Control’s press release linked to above:

Prescription drug use is rising among people of all ages, and use increases with age. Five out of six persons 65 and older are taking at least one medication and almost half the elderly take three or more.

Adult use of antidepressants almost tripled between 1988-1994 and 1999-2000. Ten percent of women 18 and older and 4 percent of men now take antidepressants. Prescriptions for nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory drugs, antidepressants, blood glucose/sugar regulators and cholesterol-lowering statin drugs, in particular, increased notably between 1996 and 2002.

The National Health and Nutrition Examination Survey found a 13 percent increase between 1988-1994 and 1999-2000 in the proportion of Americans taking at least one drug and a 40 percent jump in the proportion taking three or more medicines. Forty-four percent reported taking at least one drug in the past month and 17 percent were taking three or more in the 2000 survey.

Curious. Notice how antidepressent use tripled between 1994 and 2000. Why do you think that is? Well, according to the Congressional Budget Office (CBO), as of 2011, the average number of prescriptions for new drugs with direct to consumer (DTC) advertising is nine times that of prescriptions for new drugs without DTC ads. Click here and here for more details about this. So it boils down to this: The more the drug companies advertise a certain drug, the more people want to take it…whether they actually need it or not. Most people do not bother to ask if the “disease” they have is actually a disease (like the bullshit classification of obesity as a disease). Furthermore, neither them, nor their doctors sometimes, bother to think about other things that could be causing their symptoms. They simply take a drug. If spicy food gives you heart burn that you need a prescription drug to get rid of, then just stop eating the spicy food. Problem solved. If you feel slow and run down, maybe you just need more sleep, some fresh air and sunlight, not an antidepressant (I am planning a post entirely devoted to America’s chronic sleep depravation problem).

So these hypocrites in Washington allow DTC advertising of prescription drugs, then proceed to lecture us and voice their “concern” about the increase in the use of those drugs. Consequently, many of the post popular prescription drugs on the market make you fatter and totally fuck up your entire system. Uncle Sam also allows food companies to push sugary, delicious (yet potentially harmful) artificial foods to Americans, and then lecture us when we eat them.  Are you seeing a pattern here?

Americans will stop asking their doctors if prescription drugs are right for them when the companies that make them stop advertising them, just like I would’ve stopped asking my mother to buy me Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal if I didn’t see the TV commercial for that cereal everyday during my favorite cartoons. To quote Mr. Maher again:

Shouldn’t your doctor be telling you what drugs you need? If you are telling your doctor what drugs you need, isn’t he just your dealer?

I was prescribed several topical medications to treat my acne in my teens and twenties. Mind you, I was never told that if I drank more water and ate a more balanced diet, my skin would improve, which it has as a result of my own experimentation in doing those things. I have also been prescribed antibiotics two or three times when I had a bad chest cold or bronchitis. There has only been one prescription drug that I have been on steadily: birth control pills. My reasons for going on them were initially not sex-related. My mother’s gynocologist told us that they could reduce my cramps and the heavy periods that I had in my teens (I had very painful and ridiculously heavy periods in those days and the pill was very effective in treating those two things). But there are dangers associated with artificial hormones and I would like to stop taking them…but they are a very cheap and accessible form of birth control. Gynecologists all over the country have free samples all over their office. My birth control pills cost $9 per month without insurance. I don’t want children and wanted to get my tubes tied this year so that I could be prescription drug-free, but that will cost me $1,700 with insurance. I just can’t afford that right now.

My mother has high blood pressure. She has been prescribed a variety of blood pressure medications (primarily diuretics) for the last two decades. She has noticed that in the last few years, whatever doctor that is currently treating her always suggests a change in her meds every six months or so, even if the current medication is working just fine and causes no side effects. So why do they want her to change it? Because there is a new medication on the market and the drug company that makes it has convinced the doctor to prescribe this new medication in lieu of the old one. How do they “convince” them? They pay bribe them.

So beware. Big Pharma wants to make you think that you are sick (Restless Leg Syndrome anyone?) so that they can push their unnecessary and potentially harmful drugs to you by bombarding you with advertising and bribing your doctor. Don’t fall for it. First make sure you are actually sick. Second, see if there is a drug-free way you can feel better. Then, when all other options are exhausted, inquire about medication. Also, make sure you have a doctor that’s not on the take. They are hard to find, but trust me, they are out there. That’s my advice.

Let’s end on a lighter note. Here is Sarah Haskins with a funny take on medicine:

The main business of religion is to purify, control, and restrain that excessive and elusive taste for well-being which men acquire in times of equality.

What does he mean by “taste for well-being”? I think he means Fun. Joy. Excitement. So is it any wonder that a country that is so obsessed with moral restraint at a time when most people have more freedom and access to modern luxuries and experiences than ever, is the very nation where dieting is the most popular? I would like to state unequivocally that “dieting” is in itself a form of religion.

When you go on a diet you are given a list of things that you must eat and do (vegetables and exercise) and/or a list of things that you must not eat (carbs, desserts or cheese, whatever).  I have been an atheist since I was about ten years old. I let go of god around the same time I embraced dieting. Now I know why: I needed a new religion. A new set of commands. A new dogma. I am an American, after all. Americans aren’t really comfortable unless some higher authority (the church, the government, the Dieting Industrial Complex) is telling them what to worship, who to fuck or what to eat. The relevant authority (whomever they are) is of the opinion that we cannot be trusted. We need very specific rules and restraints set in place for us at all times and in all areas of life in order to function properly. If left to our own devices, we will go nuts, start eating dirt, drinking gasoline and humping farm animals. The powers that be don’t even think we can be trusted with our own bodies. They want to restrict food, access to birth control and abortion, and criminalize certain sex acts. Letting go of dieting, like letting go of religion, challenges this notion. It says that you can be trusted to make your own decisions about food.

The nineteenth century had a philosophical movement known as transcendentalism. It doesn’t really have a specific definition. Basically, Ralph Waldo Emerson and other writers and philosophers rebelled against the conformity of the Victorian Age. They were critical of religion and believed that people should figure out through their own insight and experience how they can relate to the divine and to each other, without any specific set of rules. Their assumption was that human beings were inherently good instead of inherently evil (original sin and all that shit), that rigid rules actually obstruct a person’s path to the divine, and that if you just let people alone they will do the right thing most of the time. These ideas are still quite revolutionary. Consider how much mental energy we waste torturing ourselves over how many calories we consumed over the holidays. Consider the amount of guilt and shame that is associated with eating in this country. We have this idea that fat is shameful, sinful and disgusting and that you should feel bad about your fat or the fact that you enjoy eating the “wrong” kinds of foods, or any food for that matter. Even the word “fat” is feared the way Africans fear the ebola virus. And yet you cannot turn on the television without seeing some sort of advertisement for rich, delicious food! “Hey Americans, here is a bunch of video footage of delicious food. Don’t eat any of it. Ever.” Notice how we do the same thing with sex: “Oooohh look at the video footage of these hot, slutty chicks that really like to get off! Don’t fuck any of them. Ever.”

But how can this happen? How in this “land of the free” can people be so afraid to just…you know…eat. Because the culture does not reward pleasure. It rewards sacrifice. You are praised if you put in 16 hours a day at work while others put in only 8, even if those people are more productive. People brag about how they can “survive” on 3 hours of sleep per night…500 calories a day…10 grams of carbs per day…5 grams of fat per day…

We are judged by how well we can master our urges, how much we can sacrifice and force ourselves to do what we don’t want to do. Instead of sharing our joys and pleasures we revel in our disasters. How many monuments to wars do we have in this country? How many stories have we heard from our grandparents about how they survived the Great Depression? How many moments of silence in remembrance of disasters have we had to sit through? Instead of saying “This horrible thing happened but hey, we’re still here! Awesome!” we instead say “This terrible thing happened. Never forget it. Ever.” Americans define themselves through their suffering.

Folks, you’ve gotta let this shit go. All of it. I thought I had. Unbeknownst to me I had just traded one set of bullshit for another. No more. You know what has happened since I stopped “dieting” a few weeks ago? I stopped gaining weight. I am very happy. I am excited about my life again. For years, I have been denying myself pleasurable things like dance lessons and new clothes because I have been brainwashed into thinking I don’t deserve those things until I lose the weight.

Once I stopped sulking and started doing, the most amazing things have been happening. I have discovered that I am actually a good dancer. I can move my fat ass across the ballroom floor quite gracefully. I discovered that I look good in skirts. Most importantly, I have discovered that I make very good decisions without god and without dieting.

Shortly before Christmas I discovered a study that was published in the summer of 2011 in the journal of Applied Physiology, Nutrition and Metabolism. The press reported (or under-reported) that this study showed that it is possible to be both overweight and healthy. It challenged the notion that the BMI (Body Mass Index) should be used as the sole predictor of health and instead posed that overweight and obese people can be divided into several categories and that two of those categories—the people that show little or no signs of obesity-related risk factors—can enjoy the same level of health as their thinner peers, even if they never lose weight. I read the abstract of this study. It seems like the study is pretty reliable, but to make sure, I enlisted the help of experts.

Bella DePaulo is a professor at the University of California Santa Barbara. One of her many areas of expertise is breaking down and analyzing studies to make sure that the actual results of these studies reflect what is being reported. I sent her this study to find out if the numbers lined up with the conclusions. I will let you know what her thoughts were when she gets back to me.

I also took this study to my annual physical this month and showed it to my doctor. He practices integrative medicine, received his medical degree in Europe and studied at Dr. Andrew Weil’s Arizona Center for Integrative Medicine. I told him that the digestive problems and low energy that he treated me for 2 years ago had all but disappeared. That I had wonderful energy levels, good digestion, I was sleeping well and generally felt great. I informed him that instead of taking prescription medications or following crazy diets, I was just listening to my body. I was finally beginning to notice how it reacted to certain foods and certain lifestyle choices that I made. Basically, if it made me feel good, I did it or ate it. Foods that made me feel sluggish or upset my stomach, I cut out or severely limited. This is what he had to say:

You are a great patient. What you have managed to do is to listen to your body and in doing so, you have essentially healed yourself.

Instead of following the conventional wisdom, that I need to diet and become a certain weight before I can be healthy, I instead listened to my body. I stopped hating it and judging it. I just listened. I gave it what it needed and denied it nothing. The result has been nothing short of miraculous. Peaceful sleep, low blood pressure (127/70), increased energy, shiny hair, healthy nails. As for the obesity study, the doctor said:

The most important study is how you feel.

So as of now, I am no longer worrying about my weight. As long as I continue to listen to my body, to respect it and care for it, I know I will continue to enjoy optimum health. The most important study is how I feel.

Well I had my first lesson at Arthur Murray this weekend and I am very excited. I will start with the Cha Cha and the Rumba. If I pick it up as quickly as I hope, I’d like to enter an amateur competition. Maybe next year…

Instead of making bull shit New Year’s Resolutions to lose weight, I decided to do something else. You know…something fun. Enter dancing. When you are heavy, you are always told that anything that draws attention to your body is bad. So that means no bathing suits, no bright colored clothing and certainly no dancing. The world tells you that you do not deserve to have fun until you are the correct size. F**k that sh*t. I say that when it’s hot and you want to, take your fat ass to the beach. Wear something pretty and comfortable that doesn’t ride up your ass. Picking your wedgy doesn’t look good no matter how thin you are. Wear stripes if you want. I bought a striped fitted, short-sleeve turtleneck a few weeks ago! It’s very comfortable and cute and I love it. And certainly dance. Don’t worry about how you look or what other people are thinking. Just Dance.

Some of my friends and co-workers have heard me rant and rave about the problem that I have when I visit Whole Foods. My problem is not with the inflated prices, the strong fragrance of the fancy olive bar, or the fact that they have an entire aisle that seems to be devoted entirely to organic hippie soap. The place is beautifully arranged, the produce section is organized and fragrant (there isn’t an over-ripe or under-ripe piece of fruit in this place) and the staff is helpful and friendly. My problem lies with the other shoppers.

I have lived in five states and shopped in dozens of Whole Foods locations in all of those states as well as various other supermarket chains and farmer’s markets. The people who shop at Whole Foods are the rudest, snobbiest, and seemingly soulless people I have ever encountered. They don’t say excuse me when they step in front of you. They just push by you without a word. You will not get so much as a kind nod or a smile from these people. No “thank you” when you hold the door for them. They never bother holding the door for you. I have this experience every time I shop there. Every time. But no one else I talk to seems to notice. This past Saturday afternoon at the Whole Foods at 30 West Huron in the very exclusive Gold Coast neighborhood of Chicago, I decided to take action. I noticed a petite female security guard standing by the registers. I pulled her aside and asked: “How long have you been working here?” She replied: “About one month.” Me: “I have lived in several places around the country and have shopped at nearly every Whole Foods location in Chicago and I find the shoppers here to be the rudest people I have ever met. Do you agree?” She slowly motioned for me to follow her outside. I did. “Is it just me, or do you notice this too?” I continued. Once we were outside she said “Yes, they are very rude. They do not have big hearts.” Wow.

You don’t need to hire a market research firm to figure out that Whole Foods shoppers tend to be highly educated people who make a lot of money. Just look at the cars in the parking lot or the clothing that they wear (and the fancy baby clothing their kids wear). But these people always look so pissed off when they grocery shop. I love going to Whole Foods. I love to see what tasty fruit they have that day, to smell the flowers on display at the entrance, or choose a delicious, flaky pastry at the bakery. I would think that if I had the money to go there every week I would have even more fun. Maybe someday…

So what do the upper middle class people who shop at this wonderful store have to be so pissed off about? They have daily access to an abundant supply of delicious organic food that they have the money to buy. What’s the problem? Why are they so awful? This reminds me of a rant that comedian Louis C.K. does about how much Americans complain. The premise is that many people have what he defines as “white people problems…when your life is amazing, so you just make shit up to be upset about.” He hates the fact that people are so blessed in so many ways, yet they are so ungrateful.

It seems as though the shoppers at Whole Foods suffer from this problem. If you have not only everything you need, but everything you want and you are still an unhappy asshole, I don’t know what to do with you. I don’t know how to talk to you. If I am getting onto an elevator with a person like that, I will calmly step out of that elevator and wait for the next one. I fear that your illogical discontent with your amazing life might rub off on me. So to all of those rude, rich assholes at Whole Foods stores nationwide, I say: Be nice. Be happy. Maybe being an investment banker or a corporate lawyer was not the best career choice for you. Maybe you feel like you are leading a miserable existence, pacifying yourself with meaningless activities like golf, screwing high class escorts, drinking heavily or buying a new BMW every year all in an effort to fill the gaping void that used to be your soul. I get it. But instead of being in such a shitty mood when shopping at the greatest grocery store on earth, go to therapy instead. Leave that miserable job that is sucking the life out of you. Get some hobbies you actually enjoy. Divorce that person that you can’t stand being married to. Please stop taking it out on me and the nice security lady.